It is 8:45 a.m. and you need to get out the door to get your children to school and you to work. The only problem is, your kids are not ready; not even close. It is another chaotic morning full of nagging, pleading, reminding and even some yelling. By the time your kids do get to school, everyone’s stress level is high, you feel guilty for losing your temper and your relationship with your kids has suffered. You wonder, “When will this ever get better?” You are not alone. Many parents struggle with getting their kids to cooperate and follow directions.

Help is available through many different parent education sources. The Active Parenting curriculum is one such source. It is a curriculum used to teach parenting classes at Lakeridge Elementary and is based on the theories of two Austrian psychiatrists, Alfred Adler and Rudolf Driekurs. A key concept of this program is that kids are more likely to be cooperative when they are treated with respect and given the opportunity to participate in problem-solving and decision-making. When mutual respect is present in a parent-child relationship, the parent is able to say to the child, “I treat you with respect; I expect you to treat me with respect as well.”

Showing respect means avoiding behaviors like yelling, name-calling, swearing, being critical or sarcastic or speaking to your children in ways that you would not want them speaking to you or to others.

Parents are not perfect, and we all say things at times we wish we had not said. When this happens, it is best to catch yourself, apologize and try again. As parents, we are role models for our children. Our kids are watching us carefully, learning through our actions about such critical issues as respect, caring, responsibility and compromise. When a respectful relationship is established, your child will want to work with you and will care about the relationship he or she has with you.

So, if mornings create stress for you, try this idea. Call a family meeting and, using an “I” message, say, “I’m having a problem with the way our mornings are going. I feel frustrated because I have to nag you to keep you moving along so we’re not late. I don’t like feeling mad when I say goodbye to you. Do you have any ideas about how we could have more pleasant mornings together and be on time?” An important part of the Active Parenting curriculum is giving your child an opportunity to participate in discussions about decisions that involve him or her. Including children in these discussions gives them the message that they are an important part of the solution and that their input is valued. It also gives them practice speaking up in a group and listening to the ideas of others.

You may be surprised at what good ideas your child comes up with. Maybe your son will suggest that he get his own alarm clock, or maybe your daughter thinks a list of things she needs to do in the morning would help her. You may offer some suggestions as well, such as backpacks being ready to go by the door the night before, or the use of a timer so the kids know how much time they have to complete each task. Together you come up with a plan for the morning. Generally, kids like to be part of these discussions. It makes them feel good, knowing they contributed some ideas. The chances that they will cooperate with a plan that they have some input in are greater than if they are just told how things will be and what to do.

End your family meeting by summarizing the plan and making sure you have everyone’s agreement. You may want to encourage participation and a positive atmosphere by saying that if the mornings improve then your family will celebrate on the weekend with a special dinner or activity. If you are feeling skeptical about the level of cooperation you will see from your kids in the morning, you may want to introduce a potential logical consequence in case the plan is not followed. You could say, “This sounds like a great plan and I’m excited to see the difference it will make in our mornings. I expect you to follow our agreed-upon plan. If you don’t, you will need to go to bed 30 minutes earlier that night so you can be rested to try again the next day.”

Parenting is challenging work, with hopefully many joyful moments along the way. Being proactive, giving and expecting respect and providing opportunities for your child to participate in problem-solving and decision-making will lead to more cooperative kids, more harmonious living and a stronger bond between you and your child.

Kim Gilliland, MA, LMFT is the MIYFS school counselor at Lakeridge Elementary School and can be reached at 230-6019.