Critic reveals literary crush on Augusten Burroughs

I’m in love with author Augusten Burroughs.

However, there are many things working against my crush. For starters, I’ve been happily married to someone else for 34 years. Then, there’s the fact that Augusten is gay, and I’m straight. Less important (just ask Demi Moore) is the fact that I’m at least 15 years older than he is.

Apparently, I’m not alone in my infatuation. Vanessa Redgrave has a crush on him, too. I know this because, like any good groupie, I Googled the object of my desire. On his truly classy Web site, www.augusten.com, I was able to get all sorts of additional information, including the fact that Hollywood has just started making a movie of one of Burroughs’ books, Running with Scissors. The movie, produced by Brad Pitt, will star Gwyneth Paltrow, Annette Bening, Jill Clayburgh, Alec Baldwin, Joseph Fiennes, and my competition, Vanessa Redgrave. I can’t wait, but I’m skeptical. I can only think of one movie, “To Kill a Mockingbird,” which is as good as the book from which it is derived.

A warning: Burroughs’ books are not for the sexually squeamish, or for those who aren’t tolerant of alternative lifestyles. His language can be frank. (OK, occasionally obscene.) But if you are able to go there, you won’t be disappointed, because this guy can write. He’s extremely funny. He’s smart and insightful, and I would give anything to have him as a friend.

I first discovered Burroughs by reading “Running with Scissors,” his memoir of his childhood. The story is horrifying on so many levels that it’s hard to grasp that anyone could have survived such a childhood — much less come out of it able to put it on paper while maintaining a sense of humor that makes the reader laugh out loud. If ever, as a parent, you feel you’ve made a bad mistake regarding your child, this book will make you feel better.

Burroughs grew up in New England. His mother was an aspiring poet and his father a University of Massachusetts professor. I’m not ruining the punch line (it’s on the book jacket) when I tell you that when he was 12, his mother gave him away to her completely crazy psychiatrist. Burroughs spent most of his adolescence with the psychiatrist’s bizarre and dysfunctional family, where children were considered to be independent adults at the age of 13.

The book ends when Burroughs is 17, ready to move on to the next phase of his life. And I, as a reader, couldn’t believe how much I cared about what happened to him. Luckily for me, his second memoir, Dry, had already been published.

When I went to purchase “Dry,” some random stranger practically attacked me. “I LOVE Augusten Burroughs,” she said. See? I’m clearly not alone here. In fact, I know I’m not. “Running with Scissors” stayed on The New York Times Best Sellers list for 86 weeks.

“Dry” picks up Burroughs’ story when he is in his mid-20s. He’s earning a lot of money in advertising, a job he got at 18, despite a total lack of formal education. He’s a serious alcoholic, which isn’t a big surprise if you know his history. “Dry” documents Burroughs’ journey through the three Rs: rehabilitation, relapse, and recovery. He’s able to take the reader intimately through the process. And again, he’s able to do it with humor, but there’s poignancy here, too. The memoir is peopled with wonderful characters from Burroughs’ life, including Greer, his advertising colleague; Jim, his undertaker drinking buddy; and Pighead, his HIV-positive best friend.

After I finished “Dry” I decided to backtrack and read Burroughs’ first book and only novel, Sellevision. Granted, it’s a different kind of book entirely, but it doesn’t really measure up to his two memoirs. “Sellevision” is a light farce about a group of people who work for a TV home shopping network. It would be a good book to read on a plane when you want to be amused and entertained. But I wouldn’t start with this if you want to get a real sense of Burroughs as a writer.

Finally, I read Burroughs’ latest book, Magical Thinking, which is still in hardback. Instead of giving the reader a book of short stories that are pieces of cleverly crafted fiction, he tells us true stories from his life. For fans of his memoirs, these anecdotes are the extra pieces of information needed to help fill in the gaps.

In “Debby’s Requirements,” we read about Burroughs’ decision to hire a cleaning lady. She turns out to be so short that only the bottom half of his apartment gets cleaned. Eventually, she’s running his life, and not in a good way. Another story, “My Last First Date,” chronicles Burroughs’ first meeting with Dennis, who has been his partner for many years. It’s a romantic story, no matter what your sexual orientation. He tells how his usual reaction to a date is to obsess about it afterwards, to the point where he’s

“sick of the other person and can’t bear the thought of a second date with them, let alone a committed relationship.”

This time things aren’t the same.

“But tonight, this night after my first date with Dennis, it’s different,” he writes. “Something in the world feels supernaturally askew. As though something in space has shifted, creating a rare opening.”

After reading “Magical Thinking,” I had a sense of peace. Burroughs is still a work in progress, and he still has issues. Really, how could he not, given his past? But he’s heading in the right direction, and I have only hope for his future. And because he’s only in his 30s, I expect my crush to last until death do us part.

Breck Longstreth is an Island resident, and can be reached at breckonbooks@yahoo.com