Dear YFS,
Our teen daughter scared us the other night when she started talking about body shaming and then complained about her own looks. We are worried about her esteem and all the cultural pressure on girls to look like models. This seems especially hard on Mercer Island where many teens can sport the latest fashions seen in magazines. How do we approach this?
HHG
Dear HHG,
Your concern is one we commonly hear from parents of daughters of all ages and there are some approaches that can help. While some focus on appearance and being physically desirable is normal, this is magnified during adolescence. Teens are exposed to so many messages that inflate the importance of their looks right when their bodies are changing out of their control and are already grappling with the emotional issues that come with those changes.
Parents can start by acknowledging this challenge with teens openly and without judgement. Part of growing up with a female gender expression means learning how to cope with body shaming and inappropriate stereotypes that exist in today’s culture. Therefore, it is also part of parenting.
Think about raising girls (and boys) to have a positive body image as similar to developing other skills — focus on education, practice and appropriate attitude. Different than sports or music, however, cultivating a healthy body image includes more of a focus on internal thoughts and feelings. The good news is this is an area where parents can be really effective.
For this and so many other issues, parents need to maintain a strong connection with their teens. Helping with body image is yet another teen issue that counts on you unconditionally valuing your child’s qualities and skills for what they are. This is also one of those issues, like sexuality, drugs and alcohol and mental health that will require you to “go deep” with your teen. So, get yourself ready to talk about some big stuff like family vs. societal values, how to define “success” in a competitive youth culture, and issues of institutional sexism and gender bias.
Then — go there. Have the talk. Repeat. Inform yourself, but don’t get hung up on “shoulds.” If you don’t have the right answer, say so and work together with your daughter to figure it out. Moms can reflect on how the media’s portrayal of women feels to them. Fathers can acknowledge they see it too and how it can impact those that identify female. This is the world in which your daughter is coming of age. Start talking now.
Around the house, establish healthy eating and physical activity habits. Consult your pediatrician if needed. Model these behaviors yourself. Help your daughter find a physical activity is fun and in which she can feel competent. This helps teach that our bodies are a valuable part of our lives not something to be judged by someone else’s standards. Want to compliment your daughter? Focus on her achievements rather than looks.
For teens, healthy friendships are a big deal. Support your daughter maintaining friends that are accepting and supportive. Hanging out with friends with similar values can act as a counter balance to all the unhealthy messages about women’s bodies.
Become media literate to help critique the daily bombardment of thin, airbrushed, re-touched photos of female bodies in advertising. Many teens do not like being told what to do — leverage this by pointing out that advertisements “trick” teens into behaving in ways they would not chose themselves. At the same time, provide a steady stream of examples of women who deserve role model status for achievements other than their looks.
Teens sometimes only bring up “new” issues like this once they have struggled with them themselves without success. If your daughter’s concerns expand or you feel unequipped to respond, reach out to your family doctor or youth counselor. Always make time to have non-goal oriented fun that reminds them how much you love them.
Cindy Goodwin is the director of Mercer Island Youth and Family Services. The advice offered by YFS is intended for informational purposes only and to guide you in seeking further resources if needed. The answers to questions are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, psychological, financial, medical, legal or other professional advice. If you have a question you would like to ask Cindy to answer in this column, or if you need additional professional resources, email miyfs@mercergov.org.
