A few years ago, I was visiting with a friend who had just celebrated his youngest daughter receiving her diploma at her college’s graduation ceremony. My friend had worked for General Electric all his life and had no training in psychology or therapy, but he made a statement that caught my attention. “I hope I passed on a little less of the poison,” he said to me. I knew exactly what he meant as he looked me in the eye. I was struck by his groundedness and his humility.
We learn to parent by how we were parented. And if we never question what we experienced in our upbringing, we very likely will pass it on. That can potentially be a mix for most of us. Certainly, we can come into adult life with some abilities such as money management or job skills learned from our parents’ examples. We may have learned from parents who were highly structured and protective or from parents who more or less let us do our own thing without much intervention or involvement. We may have experienced spankings or time-outs, groundings or loss of privileges, and made the same choices with our own children. Conversely, we may have said to ourselves, “I will never do this to my child.”
At a recent Children’s Justice Conference, I was privileged to attend a class taught by a Native American woman who had recently completed her doctorate in psychology. She shared with us how it was not until late in her life that she realized she had unknowingly “passed on the poison.” Through studying her own tribe’s heritage, she saw for the first time how she had internalized the self-hatred that had been given to her people generations before her by past oppressors. She had unknowingly passed it on to her own daughter. With deep emotion, our teacher shared how she went to her adult daughter and asked for her forgiveness. By becoming conscious of the shaming and demoralizing messages we unknowingly pass on generation to generation, we can stop the poison. Our teacher smiled as she spoke of how differently she and her daughter are raising her granddaughter. They have stopped some of the poison.
For each of us, like my friend and my teacher, we have a responsibility to consider what we have received and what we will pass on. What are the messages that we have given to our children, both verbal and nonverbal, that we want them to repeat to themselves throughout their lives? Messages of worth or being loved only if they achieve? Messages of being unable to follow expectations that they cannot make fit for themselves? Messages of not being smart enough or good enough? Messages of shame?
On the other hand, do we give our children: Messages of self-esteem and respect for others? Messages of doing their best and feeling good about that? Messages of consistency and trustworthiness? Messages of being valued and important?
Congratulations on the gift of your parenthood! It may be the best ride of your life. May your children pass on the very best that you give to them.
Steve Pults, LMHC, is an individual, couple and family therapist at Mercer Island Youth & Family Services, www.mercergov.org/yfs. For more information about counseling services at MIYFS, contact Gayle Erickson, clinical supervisor, at 275-7611.
