Hello Mercer Islanders,
Today is the first “YFS Information and Advice” column from the city of Mercer Island’s Youth and Family Services Department (YFS). YFS is the Island’s primary social and human service provider.
As the department director, I, along with the YFS professional staff, receive many questions related to social and emotional well-being, raising children, overall individual and family functioning as well as issues related to building and maintaining a healthy community. The staff and I are always more than happy to take time to answer questions. We strive to maintain an ongoing dialogue with the community we serve. This twice-monthly column is one way to respond to questions from the community with information that is current, research-based and tailored to Mercer Island as much as possible.
The column format will include answers to questions from Island parents, teens, youth, adults and grandparents, as well as any residents at-large. Responses will reflect current professional practice and knowledge, data (when this is helpful) and the combined wisdom of 18 YFS professionals. It is our hope that the column will serve as a public forum, free from stigma, to answer questions that both challenge and inform. Being a human is not always easy. We are here to help.
Dear Cindy,
My husband of 11 years and I have decided to divorce. We both want our separation to go as smoothly as possible. We are committed to being the best parents we can. What should we be aware of in talking to our kids ages 5 and 8?
Worried
Hi Worried,
It is great to see that you are thinking ahead of how to approach your family’s transition.
Communication, parent emotional and psychological health and both parents maintaining ongoing relationships with children after the separation are key to a child’s positive adjustment to divorce.
How you communicate with your children about the divorce can shape how they feel about the process. YFS Clinical Supervisor, Steve Pults, provided the following list of some of the things kids need to hear:
• Sometimes grown-ups don’t want to be together anymore and want to live separately and that’s OK.
• You’re always going to be OK.
• We won’t say bad things about each other to you or ask you to take sides. We will listen to you.
• We will do our best to work together as your parents. We won’t make you “the messenger” between us.
• We’re going to make mistakes but this new way of living will smooth out and we’ll all feel good again.
• It’s OK to love both of us. We both love you.
• Some things are hard to understand, but as you grow up we’ll keep talking to help you understand more and more.
• If you need someone else to talk to, we will arrange this.
• And most importantly, it’s NOT your fault that we don’t want to live together anymore.
Keep in mind that it’s important that both parents have good social support and emotional health.
In an overview on the effects of divorce on children written by the American Psychological Association, it was noted that the best predictor of child adjustment following a divorce is the parents’ psychological health and the quality of the parent-child relationship.
If you or your husband need help in either of these areas, please get in touch for resources.
The advice offered by YFS is intended for informational purposes only and to guide you in seeking further resources if needed. The answers to questions are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, psychological, financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice. If you have a question you would like Cindy to answer in this column, or if you need additional professional resources, email miyfs@mercergov.org.
