Dear YFS,

I recently found out that my wife had an affair last year with a mutual friend that lasted three months. Needless to say, this past year has been very hard for my marriage and our family.

Thankfully, our two middle school kids are very focused on friends and school right now and they seem to be ignoring what must be obvious stress between mom and dad. I love my spouse and I know she loves me, but I am at a loss.

I feel numb about what to do: leave, confront, ignore for the sake of the kids? Is an affair something that is possible to “get over” and heal from, or would our relationship be doomed to perpetual trust issues, doubt and lack of intimacy?

Hurt and Confused

Dear Hurt and Confused,

First let me say that significant breaches of trust like marital affairs do not need to lead to separation and perpetual family crisis. Couples facing violations of intimate bonds can recover, and even grow from the experience. Or, they can agree to work on de-coupling while being mindful of the needs of everyone in the family. Either way, you have your work cut out for you.

One path I do not recommend is to ignore the issue any longer. While considering the kids’ feelings and needs is critical, it is important to consider that one of their “needs” is for parents who model genuine intimacy, love and respect for one another.

If not, your kids will surely notice the qualitative difference in your presence with each other. It will be important, if you and your partner agree to work to heal the relationship, that this be one of your goals.

In terms of the couple relationship, you need to stop putting off the issue and talk about the infidelity now. Often, it is helpful to find a qualified marriage and family therapist who specialize in this work. Expect to peel back the layers of your marriage to get at the roots of the issue that fueled the affair. Through this work, you both will need to decide on a way forward, or apart. An affair may forever change the narrative of your marriage, and indeed it often forces a new chapter to be written, but it does not choose how the story ends. That is, except to say that the relationship you both have with the “mutual friend” will likely need to change.

YFS can refer you to qualified on or off-island therapist or to one of the therapists on staff. Please feel free to call 206-275-7611 if we can be of any assistance.

The advice offered by Youth and Family Services is intended for informational purposes only and to guide you in seeking further resources if needed. The answers to questions are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, psychological, financial, medical, legal or other professional advice. If you need additional professional resources, please write to miyfs@mercergov.org.