Best friends and bullies – Sell-out venue for author of `Odd Girl Out”

Published 5:00 pm Monday, November 24, 2008

By Mary L. Grady

Best-selling author and sociologist, Rachel Simmons knows well that sinking, pit-in-the-stomach feeling. The feeling that suddenly you are without a friend — an outcast — and you don’t know why. For girls, it is particularly devastating.

Simmons, author of “Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls,” came to Mercer Island to talk with parents, educators and girls about the sometimes harmful and less understood social dynamics of girls. The sold-out audience, that included a smattering of men, at Mercer Island High School last Monday night, was enthralled.

The 30-something Simmons dispensed with the microphone and paced the stage. She told stories and; along the way, cautioned and celebrated girls and gave heartfelt advice to teens and their somewhat clueless parents.

An academic as well as an author, Simmons has studied the social interactions of girls and interviewed literally hundreds of teens. Prior to her work, she said, no clinical work existed on aggression and bullying by girls.

Her message to teens is that behaviors that isolate or shun others — largely through the spread of rumors and innuendo — are dangerous and harmful and can have long-term effects.

“Once you say something, you can’t just take it back,” she said. “Just saying `I’m kidding’ does not take the hurt or damage away.”

Her message to parents is to be aware and control their teen’s use of the Internet.

Simmons, using her own experiences and that of the girls she interviewed, says that everyone does these things, inadvertently or not.

Not only do girls need to be taught to recognize and avoid these actions in themselves; they need to be empowered to respond and stand up to bullies, she said. Girls are often not taught how to handle conflict.

And sadly, she said, bullies are oftentimes people you thought were your best friends.

But it is one thing to talk with parents, quite another to reach girls themselves.

Most of what she said was completely true, said Gennie Gebhart, a freshman.

“She talked a lot like my friends and I do (`like,’ `dude,’ `totally’). It was funny, and held my attention throughout the whole presentation. She really seemed to `get it.’ It was cool to see an adult understand the teenage girls’ world for a change. She recognized what most people consider `girls being girls’ as really being aggression.”

Island parent Sue Bennett said: “I was impressed with Rachel’s ability to connect with both parents and girls. One of the points that most resonated with me was her emphasis on girls learning to stand up for themselves and say when something is making them uncomfortable. I agree that girls and women are conditioned to be nice and not rock the boat.”

Being direct with another person and honest about the impact of their behavior is a pretty advanced skill that many grown-ups haven’t mastered, she added.

“I thought the Rachel Simmons lecture was fabulous,” said parent Belinda Mertz, who was accompanied by her daughter Katie, 10, who didn’t have a choice in the matter.

“It wasn’t far into the talk that Katie had a smile on her face. Something Rachel had said touched her,” she said.

“I think Rachel has come upon a major resting volcano,” Mertz said. “(Talking about this) can only benefit women and human social interaction in general.”

But the challenge will be to get teens to take the message to heart as they have heard it all before, according to Gebhart.

“The thing is, as much as she recognized it (and I have a feeling that most of the middle school or high school girls in there, even if they were skeptical, appreciated it juuuust a bit), and as much as almost every girl wants the patterns of that aggression to change, it hasn’t ever happened in our years in school,” the teen said. “So every time we hear a speaker stand up and talk about how girls are `mean’ to each other and how it needs to change, it just sounds like a broken record.”

Author Rachel Simmons’ discussion was videotaped by Pro Line Audio Visual. All district schools will have copies of the tape in their parent education library.