How to help others with grief | Page On Age
Published 9:36 am Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Grief takes many forms. The obvious is after someone dies, but grief also includes changes and losses that are not from an actual death. Loss of employment, income, your role or independence incur grief reactions. How do you move forward or cope with your grief and loss? Why do some people grieve longer and harder than others?
Grief is as individual as you are. Yes, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross was correct in reporting there are different stages of grief that people go through. But, there is no fluid path that each person in grief follows, then moves on. Sometimes, we get to revisit anger, disbelief, and my favorite: guilt over and over again. There is new research out there to suggest that people are quite resilient and get through their grief and can deal with losses effectively in their own time (“The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss,” by George A. Bonanno, Psychologist).
This truly resonates with me. I work with people who struggle with why they are grieving so long, and others who know they have “moved on.” They somehow feel guilty or defective if they have not completed their grief work after a predetermined amount of time. Why do we expect people to have overcome their grief after a certain period of time?
It is hard to watch someone suffer, and grief is just that; suffering. It would be nice if there was a timeline for grief, not this nebulous state that can be unpredictable and extremely painful. But there it is. For many, they need to take time and feel grief longer. And for some, grief can perpetuate itself as losses keep piling up. Learning how to be with someone while they are grieving and not try to make them feel better is the true challenge. But allowing someone to take whatever time is necessary for them to grieve is truly a gift.
Here are some practical ways to help someone who is grieving:
1. Just listen. Be silent, and use good eye contact to show you are listening. This is really powerful and comforting.
2. Don’t hurry up an emotional moment. Let the person cry or wail or feel choked up. This shows that it is OK to feel these emotions.
3. Share memories about the person who died and don’t forget to use their name.
4. Use honesty; don’t fall back on using platitudes. Don’t worry about the right thing to say, just be yourself. If you don’t know what to say, reply with “I don’t know what to say.”
5. If possible, don’t ask, “What can I do to help?” Just do it. Bring food, mow the lawn, and move the garbage bins off the street.
The most important thing for someone who is grieving is to know that they are not burdening you with their grief — that you can and will accept them no matter what emotional state they are in.
Betsy Zuber, geriatric specialist, has been working in the field of aging for 21 years. She provides social services to people 55+ and their families who live on Mercer Island. Contact her at (206) 275-7752 or e-mail betsy.zuber@mercergov.org.
